decaying jurisprudence

2012-01-04T08:30:00.000+08:00

SEX | ROCK n ROLL | DRUGS

and life goes on for some of us

NERO

2012-01-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

so its been a day since 2010 began. hmm. i still could not lay a finger on it. fuck it.

life keeps coming back with even more bigger problems BUT i aint goona fail.

YES | iwillfall

BUT

i will keep getting back on my feet.

godspeed.

2011-11-02T20:31:00.000+08:00

YOU | stupid

2011-10-25T21:26:00.002+08:00

heres a thought, instead of reading my stupid post after stupid post, why dont you pick that thing call a PHONE and catch up with me through there?

yes YOU!

the one reading this.

i am the virtuos , i am the dead

2011-10-23T13:45:00.003+08:00

try and have a listen to my final sound project piece?

here,

http://unionjacknjill.tumblr.com/post/11804531439

godspeed.

2011-10-20T21:40:00.002+08:00

as of tonight, october the 20th, my brother is flying to Japan for a game of american football against the okinawa dragons under 18. Nadirah might be flying to the UK for an exchange programme in two months, insyaAllah. im very much happy seeing them gaining this experience of a lifetime.

other then having one brother out of the house tonight, everything is back to normal. like finance. '___'

the agony ey?

godspeed.

2011-10-16T12:03:00.004+08:00

i really love kids.

no, im not a pedophile.

=.=

i really love the thoughts behind a womans eye on the world.

no, im not desperate

_|_

i really love the artform behind tattoos.

no, im not insane

.___."

most of all.

i really love being in the gym.

no, im not gay.

_|_ =.="_|_

i find reasons to keep on going in life when im in the gym because the world is disappointing with people who continue to live life pissing and making me languish with horrible feelings inside.

i want to know what real love is.
what?

dun make fun leh...
stupid.

bye.

PS: aku handsome gile. hooray

" cummy "

2011-10-15T13:18:00.003+08:00

They ask me, am I ok
they ask me if I'm happy? are they asking me that because of the shit that's been thrown at me? or am I just a little snappy and they genuinely care?
I continuosly stare at pictures of you . I never got to say I love you as much as I wanted to but I do ok? I say it now and you can't hear me .
so what the fuck good does that do me now.

they say grievance has a way of affecting everyone different , if it's true, how the fuck am I supposed to get over you

And this may sound a little strange but I'mma tell it that I found that bracelet that you gave and I picked it up to smell it I wrapped it up in plastic and kept it in the cabinet so I can always look at it each morning. (: I know that it feels like the dreams will die with you today but the truth is there all still here , you have to have faith.
you are a peacemaker .
I know sometimes you get moody and you hated confrontation and truly hated the feuding but you were down for yours whenever it came to problems if it had to happen, it had to happen. believe me, I know you're the one who taught me to be who i am today.
godspeed.

deep down, i love her whoever she is with or wherever she is.

(:

truly, i only find importance in life only when im in the gym. i know i sound corny right here but its legislatively true.

2011-10-10T13:52:00.002+08:00

2011-10-08T14:19:00.002+08:00

hello. so the week has been alot of hassle and bastille and thankfully the weekends is finally settling in. alot of people might be planing to hang out today, perhaps some will be working and for some people, like me , will be at home taking a long rest before gymming in the evening. LIKE FINALLY.

the picture above illustrates the work space in my classroom and mind you, its after i cleaned from all the scraps and white foams i used for my set design. its in A0 size! jesus. so yes. i have on my board pictures of different mode of expressions from either end of a spectrum on thoughts my head has been having and yes, its only a FEW.

yes, the spiderman,wolverine and ironman are made by me.

the link below is my tumblr.
where my real inspiration and thoughts are portray. please be mindful of my perspectives.
nothing much though.

unionjacknjill.tumblr.com

godspeed.

2011-10-07T19:42:00.000+08:00

so what was your first take the moment you saw this picture? perhaps most of you will go WTF.

no no, im not growing all horny as at this moment. im in class =.=

researching on cultural taboo art dynamics.

honestly, it is really my kind of art. sadly enough im bound with restrictions.

trapped.

whatever that means to an individual.

godspeed.

this whole week was spent on set design. what a pussy mine turn out to be. its a white card model box which means its the first process before the real set is made.

2011-10-02T13:17:00.001+08:00

things i keep in mind ,

when it doesn't work

2011-09-29T08:27:00.001+08:00

my blog has been dead or what. well any-who, the morning just seem to get rolling with bad news. its September the 29th and im very very melancholic. god knows why. so here is the thought, must that someone be gay just so he can have alot of girl-mates? i doubt so ey?

if a guy has alot of guy friends it makes him a total typical guy with typical personality like ego boosts, rudeness and so on.
if a guy has alot of female friends it makes him tad fashionably incline and soft spoken and what knots.

so its far to say a guy should have a balance amount of guy and girl pals? well , what if that guy was brought up by his mother and the sibling he had before was a girl? he grew up having to face the world from a woman point of view because mainly his dad is no longer breathing. lets face it, the world from a woman's eye is much more bearable and authentic then we men. what if that guy learns to love women and being around females takes a snap? what if that guy speaks to women so casually that it appears he sweet talks to every single one of em like bullets but to a known fact he is actually not? and then you ask yourself,

IS HE FOR REAL? CAN HE BE TRUSTED? CAN I BE TRULY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM? WILL HE TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST KNOWING HE HAS ALOT OF GIRLMATES CLOSE TO HIM?

well you know what?

DUHH!!! =.=

jesus

on a side note, please refrain from making assumptions. be it a guy or a girl . all of us are here to love one another. if he or she is special to you HE OR SHE WILL TREAT YOU LIKE HIS OR HER FAVORITE T-SHIRT OR BRA OR SOMETHING..

GET MY DRIFT?!

stop making assumptions and start loving because you will never know that the other party is just waiting for the ball to roll.

2011-09-11T06:50:00.000+08:00

since the first day of syawal till now i still have not yet do my visiting with my family.

this year is really diffrent. nontheless i still feel the syawal vibe till now.

ade orang tuu sampai takde pakaian raya pun.

ihsan redha je dengan kejadian yang hampahkan lagi yang penuh berkat ni.

atleast im facing this with my family, together.

raya or no raya, no one hits my family.

syiqa?

entah lah. ihsan dah lepaskan die. to be frank, perhaps it is better not caring.

i miss her truckloads but at the end of the day, my thoughts are nothing.

biarlah ape nak jadi.

tawakal je.

2011-09-08T14:06:00.000+08:00

I’ve drifted away from a lot of people

I didn’t intentionally do it but it just kinda happened. I lost communication with certain friends, and I became more independent. I’m just trying to look out for myself now. Trying to not get attached to certain people because it might hurt me in the future. Sure life’s about taking risks but there’s also a point in life where you get tired of getting hurt. Tired of trying. Just tired of everything. I’m just trying to live life happily

oh i have tumblr now. like FINALLY.

regards

2011-09-05T07:02:00.000+08:00

tita

2011-08-18T17:16:00.002+08:00

when you finally spit out all you can swallow

perhaps i am no longer a thought in her head.

im already out of steam. biarlah ape die nak pikirkan tentang ihsan atleast i knw i had the courage to try and help whenever i had the chance and be the pillar atleast once in her life.

i'll just throw the red carpet my way and lead my life on. mungkin kalau rezeki tu ade, we'll meet again and perhaps our hearts will finally understand .

2011-08-16T13:27:00.003+08:00

i'd like her to know that i have always been here for her.

no matter how much she thinks i have forgotten her.

no matter how much she thinks i've moved on.

no matter how much she thinks i neglected her.

i never.

~~one day truth will reveal itself and by then i pray you'll know how much you have been on my mind.~~

i've missed you. ALOT. you knw whats weird, its the fact that your drawing is right here next to me giving me that warmth you give whenever i see your eyes and the hopes that you'll call me instead this time around.

sotong. =.=

2011-08-14T11:11:00.004+08:00

i hate the thought of you alone. i wana share your horizon and watched the same sun rising..

just a proper update , Ramadan has been a wicked ride for my family and i. i as an individual , though how much i wish ot would not have happen , have heard and seen alot of close hearts dying in this holy month. what is worst is that most of them passed without being prepared with the basic knowledge of religion. i am keystroked by whats to happen to them. our prayers are the only barriers for them and even so, in the end it is them who has to face HIM and answer all questions given down there. i've prayed and seen alot of hearts die. its not surprising knowing that my time will come too.

on a lighter note,

school has been pretty much okay. thats it.

my life is pretty much boring. for now.

with financial burdens and such.

people leaving , either dead or chose to be away for i dont knw what reason.

either way i always pray they're in god's loving care. always.

http://youtu.be/ntSBKPkk4m4

WHEN IM GONE

2011-08-08T23:15:00.000+08:00

i wonder whats with tita now. eh where are you ah? call call tak angkat! kuang asam! takpe takpe. Mungkin dibalik cinta hampa Mungkin dibalik berduka bahagia Redha imannya sabar separuhnya Mari bersama dalam cinta....Yalla Beena....yallah...yallah Ya Habibi....yallah...yallah. ok no. Ashley pun hilang.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAMILAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-03T19:07:00.001+08:00

semester starts

2011-08-02T07:24:00.001+08:00

first day of school yesterday and i had to do this two short essay questions. BORINGGG .. we had like 3 hours of history class. i got so bored that i just HAD TO DO THIS,

help?

1. Why do you think World Theatre History should be important to you and what do you expect to gain out of this unit?

in my opinion understanding the history of theater is an important aspect in my line of career . not only is important but personally without knowing the history behind my work i cannot make spectacular jumps in my career. world theater history should be important because it has great influenced theater practitioners even up to this date. it is even a source of inspiration to some in creating an art. also by knowing the history of world theater i eventually widen my spectrum of thoughts about the arts itself. i then better am equipped with knowledge and by having this it cater my hands to do better work. from personal experiences before, i tend to get clueless about the endless possibilities a theater can bring. often i would sit and watch a theater with questions on my head. questions that are irrelevant like, what is this story again?only then i realize how important it is to know the history let alone your own history background before embarking in your life steps. you see, to even start on a project one must be doing tons of research. with the knowledge that is sucked in we produced a better concrete product.

2. It is said that technical design has skewered the theatrical experience, moving away from art and making it a commercial and financial gain rather then a ‘community’ art form. Discuss your own personal thoughts on this statement.

it depends on an individual. i have always see art in a diverse manner meaning it is just not only about the performers but also the backstage crew who make a theater piece happen. in todays context, i believe that most technical designers are skewing the industry mainly because of the growing number of designers getting in the job line. it is all about competition. it is disheartening to see this disease being spread like wildfire while no one dares to make a stand and make a difference out of it .personally, if this designers had the authenticity to refer back to the history failing to uphold the auntheticness of theater would be easy. a fair example referring to the above would be SONGS OF THE SEA produced by the designers at SENTOSA. it is a hard topic to debate. both sides have relevant points to bring forward to the table. it all sums up to ones theater practice.

chapter 143 - bulk

2011-07-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

Nutrabolics.

chapter 142 - steps to make sure you dont break down

2011-07-02T20:33:00.003+08:00

see, when a girl says " any chance we could bump again? " she really means, "bump" and not a casual meet up because if some reason you may think she meant a meet up? be mentally prepared for the worst because not everyone shares a same idea. when you walk off after realising what an idiot you've become it wouldn't be that much of a bad i mean hey! you came prepared for the worst remember? so each stride you make back home is a " i told you so , in your face , i deserve it " stride. oh, be sure you are capable of acting as well and make sure the moment you see her you give the most sincere-ness as possible even though you see a guy waiting for her and somehow or rather out of you peculiar mind you finally realise you just got busted, put on a smile! you've seen her already so you've won atleast a little bit of the battle.

why acting is neccesary? so you know how to hide how you truly feel inside.

terime je hakikat. (:

ape lagi, lash it out on your workout right after you step home!

“You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world whose boss.”

chapter 141 - barely sober

2011-07-01T19:21:00.001+08:00

looking at me smiling years back tickles me now. all of us had that innocent smile once.

life is simple. you make a choice and never look back. right?

and i need new pictures. perhaps after my 3 months of traininng. end of july ? hopinng to see good define results.

insyaAllah.

things i do before i hit the sack.

wash my face with garnier turbo light.

apply loreal men expert vitamin C moisturiser on my "argh" face.

apply vaselin aloe vera moisturiser on my arms and neck.
roll on garnier dark circle remover. ( which btw, DONT WORK but i still use. dun wana waste )

and pray to god i'll be handsome the next morning.

FAIL

chapter 140 - love heart pistols

2011-06-26T19:28:00.001+08:00

I'm not just looking for an answer to my prayers or my dreams It's just I feel my love needs more consistancy. I'm about out of luck, half out of time I'm just about to lose my mind. I'm starting to lose touch with my reality I never wished on stars, I never thought that dreams came true. Yet in the midst of all my disbelief Darlin' now I feel like I am long overdue I search high and low to find my pot of gold I'm not looking for an angel to make good on all my dreams It's just I feel our love's not all that it should be I'm not looking for a miracle. A mircale won't do The only miracle I need is to be you I don't believe in wishing wells Wishes don't come true. Yet in the midst of all my disbelief Darlin' now I feel like I am long overdue I'm searching high and low to find my pot of gold

And that's why, yeah Some day I'm gonna follow my rainbow. Some day I'm gonna reach for the sky By then if you're not ready or able I'll pack my pride for one last time Cross my heart and pray our love won't die.

2011-06-23T23:13:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Nurra Syiqa

this clock never seemed so alive.

all of the things that i want to say just aren't coming out right,

im tripping inwards you got my head spinning and i dont know where to go on from here~

" thank god that we had the chance to meet again. im feeling abit squished. lol . im reaching home already.

shower, eat and sleep. i really need my sleep.sigh. head throbbing now.

missyou ihsan. my great man.

im glad our paths crossed 2years ago."

- taken from one of her text messages as of that period of time. not intending anything, its just. time flies.

God Bless.

Happy Birthday Nurra Syiqa

working out tomorow, shaking this off my system. *shake shake*

chapter 139 - the moon atomic

2011-05-27T05:09:00.001+08:00

Taken during the first week of school.

when all of us, raw and new.

remembering the days when we were all simple and ordinary.

what are we chasing for now exactly?

( HIATUS )

chapter 138 - heart is calling but no reception

2011-05-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

chapter 137 - i've got a bulletproof heart

2011-05-21T00:56:00.003+08:00

I ain't gonna give up on you. I ain't gonna give you up for in love, either you fight and live, or quit and die. Most people walk in and out of your life. But only true friends leave footprints in your heart.

i came back home only to find a final noticed letter from the lawyers stating that if i dont pay the amount soon i'll be in deep trouble.perfect. it is what i need in my life now. we've been surviving on simple rations since and yet its pleasing to see my family still being able to put on a smile even nikita my >'..'<

Singapore is really a small country where you may end up knowing your friends friend and so on. so when a rumour starts to spread like wildfire you'll soon find yourself at a bottom of a pit. im referring to no one in particular . The point that I'm driving at is people just love to take care of the corner of peoples clothe

( jage tepi kain orang. hahahaha....FAIL ) and talk shit. i mean seriously? you dedicate your life for this? you're sucha a pity. pig.

hunna and kamilah have been a great source of friendship and i really love them both. i am pleased by the fact that even at the lowest of low my life is now as an individual they accept me for who i am. oh and did i fail to mention that ashley and i are in contact again! ^.^ i have missed her dearly ever since i dont know when?

people you love will go away some point of your life and will leave you with good memories to cherish. if they belong to you they will come back.likewise for me.

my love to all.

chapter 136 - ( hiatus )

2011-05-15T22:44:00.001+08:00

i love it i really did. i stayed for the rest of the show. my heart is still missing that place as we speak. the models are so nice and to die for lah please. i actually thought they were all snobbish but they are actually very very nice people to mix with (: i really love it and i have to admit that i regret not joining fashion communication.

goona party soon.

chapter 135 - larger then life

2011-05-12T21:59:00.000+08:00

with that in mind i made a bold step to make my way home on foot from tampiness. i had no cash on me and my phone was dead. plus, the last train and bus was longed gone. so yeah. an expedition i didn't knew would be so risky. i must say i did enjoyed it. it was a good workout after my fitness workout at ITE simei. i know it is insane walking home all the from tampiness to toa payoh but eventually did i realise that it'll take FOREVER to reached home so i decided to jog with my heavy ass bag on my back! all sweaty. nuff said.

2.10am and i reached kembangan mosque and i was like..jauh pe nak merangkak..so i flagged a cab and went home. hahaha.

im really psyched on my 3 months intense bulk up exercise. fast and furious 5 was a blast. danza kuduro is a amazing song. my mates and I literally danced when it came up towards the end of the movie. Dwayne Johnson is a monster. awesome guy he is.

DANZA KUDURO

drinking this friday.

chapter 124 - ( there she goes )

2011-05-03T10:07:00.001+08:00

I feel so far away, from everything I used to be So I just hang my head, and feel the shame Like theres nothing I can do I thought no time or space Could separate us with all that we've been through But now she's on a plane, she's miles away And I just wanna go home Oh there she goes so beautiful
But she said she don't know who I am Oh there she goes so beautiful

But she's crying

Cause she liked me better when I was different No one knew me then Back in Maryland Way before I left I had everything Can't forget the days I was back home in Maryland We live too far away From anything to run the race back then From all these city streets That jaded me and make me feel this way

Now my thoughts drift away to summer days When I see your face You'd always smile at me I felt so safe

And I just wanna go home Oh there she goes so beautiful But she said she don't know who I am Oh there she goes so beautiful

But she's crying

Cause she liked me better when I was different No one knew me then Back in Maryland Way before I left I had everything Can't forget the days I was back home in Maryland She lived in the eye for the first time When I saw the world with my own eyes But now that you're gone I miss you so much more
Oh there she goes so beautiful She's flying back home to Maryland Oh there she goes so beautiful But she's crying Cause she liked me better when Oh there she goes so beautiful But she said she don't know who I am Oh there she goes so beautiful

But she's crying

Cause she liked me better when i was different No one knew me then Back in Maryland Way before I left I had everything Can't forget the days I was back home in Maryland Oh there she goes so beautiful
But she's crying (Maryland) Oh there she goes so beautiful And dying to get home

its so hard to keep in touch with her. i really dont know what to do. i really hope she will find the strength i mean shes been praying and i am really not lying when i say that im really proud of her. sigh. she feels better with andre. i mean if andre behave the first time he did that made her fell for him she wouldn't be in this much bad. i pray andre would get back on his head and fall head over heels for her again. his the only thing that has made her strong. i remember the time when you would talk to me in deep conversations and i would listen attentively but what you didn't know is that half the time i was distracted by your beautiful eyes that you set upon mine. something about those eyes that tells a tale.
i don't know what im talking about, my grammar is all over the place... i'm sucha dickhead. i cant hide what has come. perhaps i have to go and leave you alone but always know that i love you so.goodbye sunshine, takcare of yourself .argh!! what in blue hell am i typing!

this is so frustrating, i need my gym.
bye

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkljhe2tAE1qftq6x.gif

chapter 133 - have you even miss me?

2011-05-02T03:31:00.002+08:00

Tita is metally unstable. fuck. and you know what is worst? i cant do anything about it. why must andre be this way..why.. im done with words. Well, written verses better left unsaid. its 3.30 am and im turning in , heading the sack. im utterly shattered with what has been happening with my life .

kamilah. thank you. you are the greatest of heartfelt magnitude i've received. this song reminds me of you whenever i listen to it. daa.

Hello World, Have you even missed me? Looking down from outer space 'cause I've seen the stars,
The sun and the sea But now i'm back to this place Show me a sign a reason for me All of the time that I've spent dreaming Of somewhere that I'll feel alive So show me a sign and guide me back home Out of the sky into the unknown Somewhere that I'll feel alive

Hello world Is there something missing The life we had it seems to be misplaced I'd give it all To make you see me But all your energy has been erased Show me a sign a reason for me All of the time that I've spent dreaming Of somewhere that I'll feel alive So show me a sign and guide me back home
Out of the sky into the unknown Somewhere that I'll feel alive So show me the way to Be in your eyes
Bigger than this life Far away from this war hid inside

Hello World,Have you even missed me?

chapter 132 - to keep (by) holding on

2011-04-30T23:49:00.001+08:00

back when i was 8 i would always sit next to dad and watch him assemble all the parts of his DIY kit. i'd ask him over and over again,

" what are you making abah? "

often with my mouth left open and eyes just as curious looking at him and daddy-o will always reply,

" you will see when its done. mulot tutup ihsan nanti lalat masuk "

back when the day was simple and life was easy everything was calm and time was slow. one day i came back from school and i saw, placed on the counter was the finished model. it was a bike and it was dads favourite. he told me then that it was a Ducati 916. he told me it was his " sugar ".

i remembered seeing his glow face and his smile. something about his smile that left me wondering. it was a sincere smile. a smile that tells you that he really loves that bike and wishes he could own one but something was stooping him like as if he knew he wont own any. as if he knew his time wont allow.

and he was right :(

dad own a Honda super 4 and he wanted to get a Ducati after. dad made me love Ducati and it is because of him that i do not fancy any other super bikes then Ducatis. whenever i see a Ducati i'll go nuts just like he would! now that im growing older im falling for my very own " sugar " ,

Ducati Street Fighter! wooooooo!!

apparently in Singapore to own one of these babies you've got to scale up the license card. you'll need a class 2 to handle this baby and to get there i need to start from the lowest of the food chain, a class 2b where all the dumb bikes are given. boo. nonetheless i will scale the ladder till i get my hands on this " sugar " . for my late dad and i (:

chapter 131 - asylum

2011-04-27T00:49:00.001+08:00

I had only a moment, to see your beautiful face,
beauty that emits such a warm embrace,
and as the moment passed, I noticed something different,
your beauty was so simple, elegant, and innocent,

I had only a moment, to hear your voice that was so sweet,
I lost words to speak, my heart had met defeat,
being speechless doesn't come very often with me,
but I guess thats how rare you are, don't you see?

I shouldn't say this since I don't really know you,
but I don't have to know you to know thats it true,

I had only a moment, to see your smile so unique,
I can't put the description in words to speak,
your smile is so rare and one of a kind,
it can even be seen by the blind,
if they rated smiles one through ten,
I would give it a 20 over and over again,

I had only a moment, when you were their in front of me,
to think of all these things, that I write to make you happy..

she said,
.You're special to me. And...sometimes I wish I can show you how much you mean to me. And how much I really care about you. At times, I feel I'm a disappointment because I can't give you more. ): and I'm telling you this too, if one day, you ever find someone better, don't hesitate too. But tell me at least. :')

like borat will always say, " very nice! "

chapter 130 - of skins and lies

2011-04-26T02:21:00.000+08:00

chapter 129 - unclean

2011-04-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

i have no excuse to what i did.

clearly i do not want to speculate on doubts but it was unjust.

and there is nothing to go about mending what i did.

what is done is done.

and i have to continue to live in this state that i am in.

the lawyers letter arrived yesterday. im in deep shit.

chapter 128 - still walking in line that leads me home

2011-04-22T21:24:00.001+08:00

yesterday right after salsa i rushed down to catch the frass runaway in school. im proud of you four! mya,alysa.jahiza and natasha (: and equivalently the designers like , hadi jalal. haha boleh tahan eh kau design baju! the day spent today was pretty much slow. gym was great. i still need work. im on the computer currently catching up with my fineart mates and bitching about some designs which i found very lame yesterday. and yup, my mates can really bitch. better then my theater mates. like worse. seriously. im thinking of a photo shoot before i leave lasalle for national service. yup.i need new pictures. my camera is long gone and so are my other equipments. damn. no worries. jahiza will save me. i hope. caught up a few bit with raliff.haha its been awhile since we talked. its funny how you use to be in love with the girl i once like. the world is small.

and its about to get smaller.

kamilah is about to go on the web cam. its really really touching when someone missed you greatly and how you have that impact in thier lives. kitty is happy with her boyfriend now. im happy for her . titas boyfriend is being sucha lame complicated loser, seriously man, open your eyes. plus shes been falling sick ever so commonly now. imissher.

moving forward.

khirianas attachment is ending soon at the mental hospital. shes slowly coming out of her shell. miss her scoldings. please scold me soon. hidzir is in kuala lumpur/home now. miss yah bruv. oh shit, i just remember our bet! crap, i need to pump up fast before august come. speaking of brothers, ironmaniacs has been silent. borthers, train sometime pls especially after my assessments. i miss the great depression we all had flipping those heavy ass tyres and the late night lepaks at tampiness.seriously, i've missed alot on my social life ever since school began and to be honest it will get worst once i enter the army. i wont be expecting much mates to be there when i finish my service. so yeah. i've been solely alone almost all the time. it almost feel that no one hears me now. maybe because i let myself be that way. hey, im use to this .

hence,

Put your hands in the water watch them go under Put your hand to the light watch the light come through And I will let you go Put your time on the table See who’ll sit down with you Give your love to the ones who offer you bruise After bruise, after bruise. How we play fight As we dance slow The smile you making saying ‘yes’ meaning ‘no’ Is so grey, so faint.The words stray in your mouth with an ache I’m standing in water with the Light on my shoulder The weight of the doubt Turned me to glass I’m through living in question Dreaming the answers No more paving the present with pain from my past

And I will let you go and i will let you go.

chapter 127 - is there an elephant in the room?

2011-04-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

Everyday we live our broken hearts searching for an answer. We constantly go through miles and miles of bitter hunting only too find nothing on the receiving end. We give and take circumstance and yearn that one day people will see the truth behind all that patience you have kept.

the truth is i deserve to be the way i am. i need not to be bothered to be perfect in order to be LOVED. once one lives in an atmosphere of perfect trust the more authentic one becomes, and the more authentic one becomes the more irresistible one becomes. the closer we are to who we TRULY are the more people will love us. there will always be people who DO NOT LOVE US.

so do i need to live my life with a wide spectrum of thoughts? is it really that ambiguous needing someone to hold on to. if is so then tell me why the world is becoming so wrong.

there is no more justice in todays world.

chapter 126 - dancing with devil

2011-04-06T22:54:00.001+08:00

here i am sitting at macdonalds. time checked, 1030pm.
got backed from the police station ,again, headed to KFC , got my chicken and i ate my stress out.sigh, my mom really knows how to waste me time.
roughly 2 years back when i had my dreads , my close buddy and i decided to head JB to search for Dread material, we wanted to start a business. and mind you, it worked till we fought.
so we're at the immigration yes and it was my turn to get my passport stamped, came my turn however the malaysian officer decided not to stamped because, according to his stupid face , my photo was different. he then dragged me to the office and handed me over to the head chief. more like a bitch.

then the brawl happened.

i argued my way and i was really pissed with system and how rude they were treating me. suddenly this bitch officer became all little miss-dont play-with-me kinda woman. she rudely told me to speak in malay just because im in her country.

that drew the line.
why?
whats that got to do with my passport photo again?

clearly we're on a different chapter now and i was ready to fight.
i mean,im a man who will stand for my rights in all cause. i will. shes not making sense! i mean oh oh pardon me oh fat bitch for making you all so emotional now! bur can we stick to one topic which is my passport and not go all emotional now?

jesus women.

so anyway she became all rude right and i got so fumed i yelled at her calling her disorganize. she rang her guards and three of em came in with batons ready.

seriously? wtf!

to cut the long story short, i eventually lost, u cant win alone with the government. i was very unsatisfied. i dun know how but as i was returning home that very day and i went pass the singapore checkpoint another police officer stop me and asking me to proceed to a room. there, they checked me and questioned me all over and i was like, "arghh not this shit again"

my late dad was caught by the ISD when he was around my age. ideally he was giving a speech on islam and it caught the authorities attention. to them , he was making a cult. to my dad, its just dakwa.
but the world system always see it the other way round.

so what does this got to do with my recent case? pandai pandai pikir.

im really really pissed and i have alot in my head. massive. and hey my face? well it can hide all worries.
so when i say that i am fine. just take it as it is? because i couldn't be bothered to share, my burdens are hell lot worst . its just a matter of time the devil let itself loose. minutes.
sigh.

goodnight world.

chapter 125 - stars will cry

2011-03-27T01:23:00.000+08:00

The stars will cry The blackest tears tonight And this is the moment that I live for I can smell the ocean air
And here I am Pouring my heart onto these rooftops Just a ghost to the world That's exactly Exactly what I need From up here the city lights burn Like a thousand miles of fire And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day For a second I wish the tide Would swallow every inch of this city As you gasp for air tonight I'd scream this song right in your face If you were here I swear I won't miss a beat Cause I never Never have before

met shasha late afternoon on saturday to catch up. had a good time talking to her. it is nice to see women when there are at their best. especially my mom. i've been a loyal support on feminism and i believe that men should really know when to shut up? like seriously. shut the fuck up and work ?
one of my buddies got herself pregnant. and im really pissed. i just hope she wont abort it.

anyways the world is dying. yup
the prophet mention about three major earthquakes in the east,west and in arab.
one has already happened in HAITI.west and recently in JAPAN,east.
brace yourself.

bad sign is better then no sign at all.

chapter 124 - go heavy or go home

2011-03-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

i lost weight.suspect ah. badan sekeping je. :(

chapter 123 - thoughts

2011-03-20T23:22:00.001+08:00

how do people choose their final words? do they realize their gravity? are they fated to be wise?

every life has one true love snapshot.i use to think alot about her not so much now. shes like a wound beneath my broken body and i had grown more used to my broken body.

prayers

with peace in her heart will then she find the happiness she yearns. there is no doubt in my mind that i truly miss her but then again, if this is the best way then let it be this way.

your life is my well being. no matter how distant we are.

syiqa, if you are reading this. be strong. <3

chapter 122 - 127 HOURS

2011-02-27T19:46:00.003+08:00

after 3 months of preparation it is finally over. came back home at 1230 and i woke up at 4pm. that shagged.

my heartfelt gratitude to my mates who came. the six of you women made me smile and im glad im able to share the show with you. fieza was impressed and that she didnt know i could groove. hahaha but then she said i shrunk in body size which is true. well starting tomorrow is gym time again!

the picture above were taken before the our dance. im praying that we will receive a video copy of our show cos im dying to see how i did for my acting and fighting scene and showing it to my family <3.

the two video below are the bad quality ones but has an idea how it went both the dance and the fighting scenes during one of our shows amongst the many scenes im involved in. my stunt was sabotage by saliff who bumped into my partner and destroyed a wee segment of it. wahh!! but without much ado it went well (:

all praises to ALLAH.amin

and yes. i did shrunk in weight. this picture is the difference in size i had back in ITE 3 years ago . the center one was taken 2 years ago and the last one was the recent one. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. i have to train more.

chapter 121 - weak dead body

2011-02-22T15:15:00.000+08:00

the show is in 4 days and i've fallen sick. my voice sound so raw. my eyes are like hamburgers and my face, well, my damn pimple face is worst..argh! and to make it even worst, i've missed gym like what? a week plus? i feel so weak but im goona force myself to workout today.

call time is at 6pm till 11pm again =_=

chapter 120 - to the end of the world

2011-02-20T11:01:00.001+08:00

" Ku mengatur langkahku jalan tanpa bayang-bayang mu .Langit dan bumi setia menemani ku .Matahari menyinar tak pernah berpihak pada ku. Ku kepanasan tanpa perlindungan mu hari berganti hari aku masih teguh menanti hadir diri mu dalam hidup ku ini rasa kecewa ada bila kaki kita penat berlari. Namun yakin ku kau kan ku temui ku takkan pernah cuba berhenti langkah ku mencari cinta yang ku tahu hanya tuk diri ku. Kan ku terus cari sampai hujung dunia kerna ku tahu akan ku jumpa diri mu dan ku kan terus menempuh mimpi-mimpi ku selalu. Ku lihat semua gembira bila mengenali erti cinta. Senyuman ku beri hanya duka bila ingin teman tuk berbicara. Cinta jangan sembunyi mataku ku kabur mencari hadirlah dalam hidup ku ini. Cinta jangan engkau pergi bila langkah ku cuba untuk mengejar diri mu "

i hate you for lingering here in my head. my heart. my life. i want you out. i do. but its just so hard. i love you and at the same time i really really dont like you. i hate you. tita. :(

chapter 119 - in truth to myself

2011-02-15T22:57:00.003+08:00

i tell myself to move on whenever your presence lingers in my thoughts. i tell myself its wrong to love you. and when you say you miss me so much. i tell myself that i freakin miss you but i also do tell myself not to hope anymore. i regret having hope . i tell myself to block my emotions from reaching you. perhaps you've hurt me so much. perhaps you didnt.

i am not just a friend. i was a somebody to you till you push me..fuck it yeah? everyone lives with confusion. even me...for believing. i taught myself to overcome, to move one and even taught myself to pad myself on my back.. :(

" I'm coming out of my cage And I’ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking a drag Now they’re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it’s all in my head But she’s touching his—chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, let me go I just can’t look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it’s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes ‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside "

chapter 118 - i have a choice of being right or being human

2011-02-05T17:13:00.007+08:00

my best wishes and prayers to my cousin irna syazwanie whom as im typing is getting engage (: her fiance, hanis, happen to be one of my girlmates' brother . everyone practically knows everyone. how ironic. sorry that i couldn't be there to witness your special day. my heartfelt prayers to you once again irna (:

thank god the weather is fine. washed the clothes and did the hanging.spring cleaned my room today and NOT surprisingly most of the trash i threw belonged to my younger brother. mr typical boy. i still love him despite the difference in HYGIENE we both have. hahaha. i feel like a bitch typing this but he ought to know how he is framing himself now. i find it impossible to make a strong declarative statement in conversation without feeling a litt;e nagging doubts and reservations but yes, he does have good qualities in which i can't level myself into so yes. period. mom is watching hindustan and shes goona go INTO the tv any minute... siblings are entertaining my cousin who is here . im in the room and having peace with myself. nadirah is out , again, but this time shes busy helping ESQ? a typical Saturday evening for us all.

i just cnt write her off. wait. its not that. right? its just that i cant admit my USELESSNESS to her, i cant bear to be written out of her life. solitude is perhaps a misnomer. to me, being alone means togetherness - the re-coming-together of myself and nature, of myself and being ; the reuniting of my self with all other selves. solitude especially means putting the parts of my mind back together, unifying the pieces of myself scattered by anger and fear, until i can once again see the little things are little and the big things are big. dishonesty splits the mind. if my attention is wandering, there is somewhere it wants to go, so obviously it does not want to be where i am holding it in the name of self-imposed duty. right?sometimes my discontent works like this : i don't like what i am doing and i cant think of an acceptable alternative. my mind fantasizes one unsatisfactory plan after another and my discontent deepens. when this happens i find it helpful to suspend my efforts to "decide". believing that my intellect alone must choose makes my body into an object and splits me. if i paused and become very aware of the flow of feelings inside me, i presently SENSE AN IMPULSE FROM MORE DEEPLY within quietly directing me what to do, or notice that i have already acted, and that " deciding " was no part of it. i am moving on..right? i mean , i no longer think of her.. right? i'm a strong person.. right? i still do pray for her well-being...right? yes. i still do. perhaps i do hate you now...yes? maybe you are telling yourself that you do deserve my hate...yes? well no. i dont hate you. i never have. my heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. moods should be heard but never danced to. ):

" all i want is to be loved. i need your heart and your eyes and your ears and your touch and your words. i want to you to see me and hear me and feel me and speak to me and love me."

wanting to be loved, to be lovable, is not really a desire for how i want to be, but for how i want others to be and by giving what i want i have realize that i have what i thought i lacked before.perhaps you have made me a man . a man whom i thought didnt exist. yes. i shall me strong.

and kamilah. thank you .

for cherishing every single bit of crap i put up and listening to my utter nonsence. god bless <3

chapter 117 - But what if, there is no eternal life?

2011-02-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

its the afternoon on a friday. *looks out the window* yup the weather is perfect today... gym closes early today 5pm? so i'll have to skip today too and go tomorrow where operations will resume to normal. workout at home i guess. to add, i have to memorize my classical and contemporary monologue piece before tuesdays rehearsal process class. An update about my scene for my showcase, so far i've been trying to put my shoes into the a life of pedophile father stats. a tea-up for those who wishes to know, my character im potraying is teddy rosevelt hayes. an ex-marine, a father, and a pedophile. i've been doing research and moulding my emotional self to that of a pedophiles? to make things worst, since its only going to be an extract scene ( from BUTTERFLY KISS ) i have very little time to convince the audience that there are seeing a confused pedophile and not just some actor on stage. NOT EASY OKAY!

munching on potatoes and listening to 30 secondstomars, ALIBI. i love this song in particular. why? because of the lyrics. there is a whole length where jared leto screams,

" i fell apart but got back up again"

those words are a qoi to my heart. im driven by that song and all the song that has the same attune to it like

waiting for the end, by Linkinpark ,
ghost of you by Mychemicalromance ,
phantomrider by Tokiohotel ,
only time by Enya ,
my immortal by Evanescence
blue and yellow by Theused
chasing cars by Snowpatrol...
paperthin hymes by Anberlin

those kind of music place my soul into a deep profound ambiance especially when it rains. their lyircs are just ; ohmygosh kinda . why am i even writing the list of songs down anyway. god. mom and nadirah had an argument earlier on and i swear i wasnt involve. rather i couldnt be bothered . it all started with a small prepy talk then nadirah had to be all rude about it and it left my mom crying. like WHAT THE FUCK sey nad. shes out now along with my two other sisters to a friends place for chinese new year. im on the computer, my brother is lying down with his sogkok on and my mom is in the room asleep i think. so much of silence is golden. kebabai. i'll clean up the house and then its workout time.thats me in 3 years..hahaha (points down)

chapter 116 - reasurance and acceptance

2011-02-02T19:53:00.003+08:00

the picture? its the poster for our showcase . im really looking forward to it.

im not going to be updating about school because i have other things prep up my mind. AND ITS BOTHERING ME. so much. im listening to THE FRAY, I'll look after you. and the song speaks for itself. i do not know why i feel so... melancholy. i tend to get driven away with music. it has so much meaning in my life.music has comfort me , bring life INTO me , motivate me , KILLED ME and bringing my life back up into shape before killing it again. its how life is you know. it kills you. pins you down so you will come back up stronger then pinning you down twice the force so you will come back up the strongest you can ever be and the cycle goes on. its hard to say when will we know our true potential. it really is.

so im here listening to some emo music on a rainy day. i came across tita's profile and posted right smack on her wall was her boyfriends wallpost. i read it. and i dont know why but i feel a great feeling of grieve. its like i really want her now and forever. i get this feeling of unfairness towards her.hence the song. i really miss tita so dearly much but everyone will have to leave. everything that i touch will eventually turn to "stoned" , whatever that means to us. i have to admit. shes the BIGGEST scar . biggest :(

you knw whats even weirder? is that i forgive her and i dont blame her for the things she has done to me. even to this down state of life i am in, i still think about her well being. feel her sadness through her entries and facebook updates. and constantly pray for her future.

the question is, why do i still care?

i guess it draws back to me. its just the person i am.

i miss you. i grieve on your name when im down . i constantly go about picturing your presence next to me. u keep sane. i miss you so much yes, i envy the person who has won your heart but it is the only thing i can afford to do now. i am in no position in winning you back. you are not someone to be "gambled" with. you need someone who is there for you. who offers you a shower of love. who kisses you when you're down. who coax you when you need a listening. who has the money to flatter you with gifts. and im not that kind of a man. at least not yet.

he is many things that im not

and im many things you wish he is not.

okay, so with a great sigh...im going to feel better soon. house chores now and babysitting my siblings. why do i pamper them with soft delicate words. =_=

jazakhallah khyr

chapter 115 - if i dont wake up.

2011-01-30T12:35:00.002+08:00

yesterday i was taking a nap in school and i had the strangest of dreams. it awoke me and immediately text messaged her. she didnt reply. i called. she didnt picked up. guess she really is ignoring me. the dream was regarding her. at to this point, i question myself why do i still care.

chapter 114 - vintage days

2011-01-25T22:22:00.004+08:00

as we go through this bittersweet life we constantly lose people yeah? even i know that. tonight, somehow i bumped into an old crush of mine.aishah. and the moment i saw her i thought of these two women , or i'd rather call them, GIRLS. i miss them both. so much.

mardhia and hidayah! aku rindu korang due . serious . all of a sudden i really miss you both like fuck!! i mean while you both are leading your high lives, i here , happen to be thinking of you both lahhhhh!! how we became friends during primary school and how we lost touch as we escalate through of own respective lives.

how u both would bully me. and i'd cry and all. wait, i dont remember crying. did i? cunt. anws.

and hello! you both are attach! fill me up please. aku je sorang mase single :( wahh fuck it man. i really miss you both :( meet soon yeah. we have ALOT to share. ALOT~ or and sory i took your pictures without acknowledging. nyeh~

chapter 113 - rejected and the great feeling of hate

2011-01-22T22:03:00.007+08:00

see, this is what happens when you let yourself fall into a realm of great nothingness. you become solely silent and reserved.

i had class in the morning today. Saturday morning class is not a good feeling btw. throughout the whole speech class things went fairly well when my lecturer suddenly turn all cold. there was silence and he stared at me. moments after he told me that one of my bloodline who has passed came into the lecturing room and said something about me. something like soon enough i'll be put in a position where i have to make a great decision and that i have to be extra careful.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?!

and yes "she" was really there. one of my classmates turned pale and he felt something. you know when something creepy is stirring around class when the ambiance of the class turned all silent and gloomy.

well anyway that did affected me. my deep-in-thought-switch was turned on. to add, i have been thinking about the way i am taking my life now. love and some other rubbish shit things. I've come to a conclusion that I AM AFRAID OF FEELING LOVE BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF GETTING REJECTED. after everything i have been through of listening and consulting my mates, getting too emotionally attached to some, and having that great feeling of concern,love and care to one. i have come to acceptance that i actually have to pull myself away from them. i had enough of being betrayed, dumped and rejected.

i text messaged tahara. telling her my final say. i can never come between her and "that guy". i shall not re-write everything here. she knows it and that is all that matter. its fuuny that i always find myself trap between a web of love. tahara is not the only girl though. in my life,atleast to this juncture, i have two mates who has set an impact each with its own genuine-ness and depth. and i wish to let go of this emotional termoil that i have made with them because clearly they both have someone way better then to what i have to offer. tahara is one and the other is tita. sigh. tita. i feel really STUPID writing this SHIT but i cant help myself when my mind is full of thoughts. thoughts of great pain. i still care but its not "that" love that i can give.

for as long as i can remember , tita has been a great influenced in my life and letting her go will leave a great scar but its something i have to do just so her life will be a little less confusing. i believe she knows what im talking about. i shall not spill everything here. its for her ears to listen. i'll be seeing you soon. and its final.

i stepped home and the house was in a mess. honestly i was too emotionally and mentally constraint to even touched on chores. went to the room and took a nap. i was half asleep and my mom began shouting and complaining about the messed . my siblings were stupidly asleep at 2pm. i couldnt be bothered with what she has to say. she nagged about us not doing chores and such. HELLO?! ok, i shall not vent. the time now is 10pm and mom has yet to smile and i dont really care. my siblings are no help sometimes. especially my brother. ok, i shall not vent.again. i feel like a housemaid on weekends and when im too tired my mom will nag not that my mom dont help with the chores but its just~ argh! i shall not vent........

people do come and go from your life. even the ones whom you think loves you. its clear to what i said before,when you shut people from your life they will eventually quit trying to be part of it. and clearly i am the who is quiting from trying to part of somebody's life.

why is it when i let something out i feel empty :( isnt letting it out good?

chapter 112 - bersama kita bernyanyi

2011-01-18T14:36:00.004+08:00

yesterday was the first training for 2011. i miss my buddies tough much please. ended at 8 and met raihana and cassie and her friend at tampines MacDonald. them too, i have missed. its been so long since i last them friends of mine. with this i have a confession to make. its kinda wrong and dumb to say this but i think i need more guy mates. why? cos i dun have any. i mean besides my school and training mates. i need to go on more guy dates. HAHAHA. ok super wrong. neh actually i am grateful for what i have now.

anws, whats new this year. well. kitty has been living the high life. shes a party girl now. and i assume she has a guy now? i duuno. she'll tell me abt it when she calls or text which btw has not been happening! i like it the way kitty and i are now. shes open up a lil to me as in shes not afraid to show her true self and i accept her for who she is.so yeah. a party animal she is. rai got back in touch with me recently i can only know what shes going through eversice she broken up.qiao sen has news to share regarding a girl. hahaha goona have dinner with hom on Thursday.

i might be going to jail.

school has been painful. like always. im having hip-hop,salsa and ballet classes under dancing. acting, speech, history of performing arts, DnT, performance and text analysis, rehersal process and mask work under acting.
ohhhhhmyyygiddyyyyyygoddddd.

kpan teman aq si mil tu akan text aq. waduh bisa jadi pohon akhirnya aq ini yah. hahaha MIL!

oh im sick today. and so is shasha. kpo!

imma do house chores now. whoever is reading this. may god bless your life in whatever hardships ur in.wait. who the F reads my blog? seems dead now. haha

oh and syiqa, heres the monkey kat my campsite!!

chapter 111 - _|_ -..- _|_ maths

2011-01-10T22:07:00.001+08:00

as im typing this, im looking at nadirahs result slip. where is nadirah now?
shes in the room. sick. shes very ill. right after she got her result she fell terribly ill. :(
nadirah did pretty well btw. cume sayang, her maths pulled her chances for a poly nor JC entrance. she has 14 points. not bad kan :D she scored an A in science and malay and the rest she scored B's except for maths, an E.
shes really sick now been vomiting and her fever is boiling up. sigh, shes really disappointed with her grades. she has the eligibility to enter milennia institute though. which is a better choice then ITE. whatever the outcome may be, i pray to Allah you'll get the best yeah :) HE knows whats best. insyaAllah ur path will be fully brighten.
im proud of you . that result slip has good ass grades. fuck maths. who likes it :)

i walked under the rain today. after school that is. its 10pm and i reached home at 9.30pm. drenched.
its nice walking under the rain. honest.

okay i really feel that i have to write this. my gut feeling tells me so and i dont give damn what people might think. i just need to write this,

syiqa, this is a story of the first and the last time i ever fell in love with a beautiful, complicated and fascinating woman who ever inhabits my soul. im pretty sure we,re goona part ways so i better say this while i have a chance. whether we're together or apart. u'll always be the woman of my life. the only man that i'll ever envy is the man who wins your heart and i always did believe that it was my destiny to be that man. for if we never see each other again and ur out there walking and you feel a certain presence beside you. that would be me. loving you wherever i am.

god bless. and i pray for ur happiness. always.

chapter 110 - 5 minutes to kill yourself

2011-01-06T18:38:00.004+08:00

i had trouble sleeping last night.

tahhara came by my school yesterday while i was having a last minute rehersal for todays showcase at deyi secondary school. and yes, it went great today. the students loved it! the fight scene to be exact. good lah gitu :) i got smiled at by a few of them.
PRE-TEENS.looking at em took me back during my pre -teens days. kentalan.

our showcase will be on the 25-26 of febuary.

talked to tahhara about her condition. sigh. shes like a time-bomb. i really pray her surgery goes well. in the meantime she needs to start eating right. we chilled and ate at subways and she had coke for her sides -__- . degil semacam.

i wonder if i shoul re-activate my facebook. sigh. perhaps not yet. if the universe feels im ready then i will. HAHAHA. my lecturer always tell me that shenanigans. he'll go, " Ihsan, if the universe feels that ur ready to shine. then you will"

heh. universe eh.

mr.universe.

ok diam.

mepek pe. mendak.

ok enjoy this song. beautiful :)

chapter 109 - 500 days of bummer

2011-01-02T21:54:00.006+08:00

its hard to go through life when you don't know WHY we're here. perhaps by striving through it in time we shall know? maybe.

i've been disturbed both in my room and when im asleep. i saw myself sleeping once and i immediately woke up and knocked my head hard on my dumbell and i fell smacked to bed and after which the dream became dark and i saw my body and i was making that same weird noise i did before. there was this figure trying to go inside my mouth or something. it was really dark and i woke up 3 in the afternoon all sweating. sigh. this happens when i think too much before sleep. and i've been thinking too much.

anws, im mentally depleting. and this new year has been a rough start. life is rough. and so what. i knw god gives us test and we shall forever go through it. there must be a reason and im going to find out. life will always shit in our faces. whatever it is i knw the burdens will be fruitful in the hereafter.

FUCK MY RELATIVES.

dont waste ur life okay. u already did once and you regretted it. just dont start again. life will always be rough, full of shit till u come to a point you wana give up. i know so very well. you've shared plenty with me and i know every toil you go through.every good people are tested. yeah

anws just finished watching syurgamu ramadan on sensasi.

chapter 108 - a better sustenance than patience

2010-12-30T16:17:00.000+08:00

chapter 107 - going crazy.

2010-12-28T04:49:00.004+08:00

time check : 4.30am

i cant sleep. i had too many redbulls.
sidenotes, i know you hate me so much cos you wont pick up my calls nor reply my text. you called me a jerk and you shut me down real good by saying goodbye on the phone real quick. and the worst part is, i know you enjoyed every single moment of it.

im heartbroken just knowing how you are treating me now.but you know what, i wont stop trying.

even the tough fall down sometimes //

please please make this feeling go away...i really dont like it at all. :'(

| im really sorry.
i really need you.please. :(

chapter 106 - Lirit 41 because no matter how much i try to open your eyes you'll still go back to him

2010-12-26T10:01:00.005+08:00

you will never ever take me seriously for as long as your heart beats. but i will.

chapter 105 - Lirit 40 putting my pen down

2010-12-21T18:07:00.006+08:00

i just realise most of my blog entries has titas named either that or my yearnings of her. does she even realise those? does she even know that i do write about her? perhaps i should stop.

why?

because mainly im competing see. with someone else. someone whom has her heart and whom i call a cheat. a good cheat.

| our story goes way back about 2 years ago. my story however goes back when i was 16. at about that time i was first starting out on this "scene" thing. HAHAHAH and yeah my mates and i went to this gig and beats merchant. it was my first outside gig and i remembered seeing this band performing and they had a female singer. the crowd was jumping with adrenaline listening to them. i actually also remembered pushing one guy off because he was blocking my view of the singer. yeah. everyone was screaming along the screamer and they were a line of girls infront cheering on the female. oh and btw, the screamer sounded like a sick dog. my mates kinda enjoyed his screaming. anws, the vocalist. well...she was..exciting to me but unfortunately i didnt had a chance to see her after the show. however we did talked to the screamer.mamam was his name and he told us, me in particular, that everyone can scream. yeah right =__=
a dumb knowledge. months past and i decided to add fakies up on myspace. i saw the lead singer and add her up too. i thought she was a poly student and yes i then knew her name was syiqa :D

| eventually i started screaming. i didnt knw i cud actually. the way i found mine was kinda irrupt. we were jamming to a skylitdrive song and during that point i was doing clean. we had a short break and my mates decided to cover "facedown" by the red jumpsuit apparatus. we were having so much fun and everyone just gave out everything. hyper gile ah basicaly entah macam mane during the screaming part i just started to scream without a care in the world. and heres the funny part. everyone suddenly stopped and they stared at me with thier mate terjojol like that. HAHAHAHAH. then suddenly they were jumping and cheering saying that i can scream. and thats how it happened.

miss those times.

| she shared alot with me. her past what she wants to be and her dreams for her family. alot ah . kalau nak katekan all the times we have met is always about her life and i really like listening to it. sometimes i get angry at times i feel protective and sometimes i get so mad listening to her past.abt guys ah . sometimes i wonder if she really did treasured all of those time let alone remember them. because we had ALOT ah. from the very first day till now. how i followed her to artsfriend to get thos strings for the gig tags. the times i listen to her guy problems and im not just talking abt him. knowing her, she has alot of guy mates who like her. hahaha cant blame them. lawah mah. traveling to her place and sometimes ask to turn back halfway along the journey. alot ahh..kalau boleh pikirkan eh boleh bawak nangis ah because i just did so many things for her and i never ever regereted each one. in gods name i swear ah. bukan nak ungkit ah.serious. im not that kinda person. i did so many things and all i need from her is not the hugs or even the kisses. those are secondary. its her smile. just that very simple spread of her smile is like a years happines to me. then again you rarely show that untill recently. just thinking back if she would have realised how much i am of a person to her then that dude.

about that dude?
i call him a cheat. dont get me wrong. he's a nice guy and was there in times of titas stress. but why? because mainly he's living with her. he's able to see 24/7 and make her smile 24/7.
what about me i say? who is following the rules and climbing that ladder up to gain her love? its all tarnished.
relationship is like climbing up a ladder. you eventually reach the top where the top signifies her heart. you've got to slowly climb and go through the burdens and hardships along each way and eventually marry and have her heart. but what does a cheat do? he skips all those stages and go right to the top. simple as that.

how?
by living with her. see, when you already am living with ur partners you get easy privileges. you get to see each other everyday. go on a holiday and venture life at an early stage together. you get easily blinded. when they argue he can easily cool her heart why? because he sees her everyday and he knws that eventually things will be okay unlike if the guy is living ina separate world and only gets to see her every now and then. when this two argue the guy or the girl has to think of something up fast because they may eventually lose each other. you see the things that make me so vulnerable? its an unfair competition, and the one person who has been following the stages and climbing the ladder is left thrown away and forgotten. all the efforts put to waste. its hard to win with a cheat.

ade lagu ni from lovehunters , sambutlah kasih.
Tak ku hiraukan panas mentari lagi
Demi cinta kurela menanti
Takkan goyang walau badai kan melanda
Seribu tahun kutetap setia
Lupakanlah dukamu yang silam
Hulur tanganmu sambut kasihku
Mari bersama kita melangkah
Membina cinta abadi
hahaha entah lah eh nak percaye ke tak akan lyric tuu. because i really dont know what to feel ah right now. i'll just be heartless about it.

Life has always been a huge roller coaster ride for me and now I'm really getting tired of it. I just wanna put everything down and let go.JazakAllah Khayr. May Allah grant you good.

hiatus

chapter 104 - Lirit 39 Yeah I know, I know When I compliment her She wont believe me

2010-12-19T17:37:00.003+08:00

one of the greatest things that made my day yesterday?

simple.

is when she said proudly that we are together to a stranger.

one of the best damn things that make me the person i am?

simple.

is when she replied shes 21.
ok, partly.
but is when her face shine with that smile .

one thing that i regret about loving her?

simple.

waving goodbye at the end of the day.

her hair Falls perfectly without her trying She's so beautiful And I tell her every day

chapter 103 - Lirit 38 waiting.

2010-12-18T00:47:00.009+08:00

HAHAHA this group was taking way too long. uh-huh and that monkey on top, is me.

this was the first drink i had on the very first day of camp. yummy. most of the kids are fast asleep.

this is what happen when you have fun. a mix of expression :)

me utilizing a game half way. i was eliminating them.apparently they had fun playing.yay!

this is bonda posing during half way down the flying .

me explaining how the game is going to be played. eh why my face like that sia!

bonda and umi :D

one of the group. lead my nadirah

pipe and ball game

one of the group lead by one of my facilitator who apparently is not in this picture.

sara just finished uploading all the pictures from camp. 400+ ?! maut gila babs! mane lah blog sayeni ade tempat nak letak tuu banyak..so i decided to put in another 3. and no worries i shall err do something about the rest of the photos. maybe?

moving on

the word boyfriend is not just a word. they are a KPO's to a girls burden because mainly he just loves you so much.see! im using some lame manoeuvre here. can you please face ur attention to me now before i get any lame-er. * yawns*im tired :(yes i still do believe you. in some trusting way i still do believe you.

sahcfiuewfiebhwhjgvfiuewveubVWLEVfvuefuifhewuifhewugf3275ry32895efvwngfiowhgwnfvjkdWEBNFW

NDFJEWFHhdeihweirhwuhiuhiuhew3w8r5y7328957u89389ruu8*&T^&%^&%&^$^&Tguygiuhcsk

ckhwdfioI*^*&%^&ztguikiHJSishiuwyihyr389y8iHYIUT*YI(O*Y*(YIPOYUPYUP(UOPUPOUO

MISS

YOU

FREAKIN

BAD

chapter 102 - Lirit 37 yes i will die for you babe

2010-12-16T13:00:00.001+08:00

before i head back to school for next two days, i miss tita like ****.

chapter 101 - back from camp

2010-12-16T00:17:00.001+08:00

am back from camp and am updating for a wee while . apprently im multi-tasking between chores and going to bed. >__< so yes, once im freshen up i'll upload more pictures on facebook insyallah. i have alot to share, from the massive calves cramps that i had to the spiritual encounters that almost got me killed in the woods.
lets keep it a hush hush for now.

i miss the kids already.

chapter 100 - Lirit 36 theres something that you wont say. but i can tell.

2010-12-12T14:44:00.003+08:00

hazyrah got busy partying out at zoukout last night and she got herself drunk like a pig! tsk. im here typing this whole lot of sad-bull-crap words trying to figure out what is wrong with the way im feeling tonight so yeah actually its based on a song hahahaha so yups,

Light reflects,The darkened moon tonight,Your make-up smeared across your face tells me,You're not fine,
Just a line that you recite,I can see that,Tears falling down give no answer,Seems you don't even know who you are,Someone take her home away from here.

You just sit there quiet with your fake smile,Don't tell me, don't tell me,Everything's alright and you're happy,
Is it something you can't say,I'll stay all night,So tell me, so tell me,What is there to hide?I'm with you.

A hundred reasons why,I can see it in your eyes,Somethings wrong with you,Always in denial,Can it really be that bad?Being who you are?And tears falling down give no answer,Seems you don't even know who you are,Someone take her home away from here.You just sit there quiet with your fake smile,Don't tell me, don't tell me,Everything's alright and you're happy,Is it something you can't say,I'll stay all night,So tell me, so tell me,What is there to hide?

I'm with you.

Tears falling down give no answer,Seems you don't even know who you are,Someone take her home away from, away from here.

okay mepek

chapter 99 - Lirit 35 i've got a song to share but i dun think you're ready for it tita

2010-12-07T12:12:00.003+08:00

so yea, im back in the gym again and i found a new diet breakfast told to me by a bodybuilder :) he told me to blend tuna with three raw eggs and water before going to the gym in the morning. heh :D after this week im going to be free and im planning a strict fitness plan for myself. oh and im back from malaysia btw. the course was spiritual. my head is mentaly breaking down.

i've been having dark dreams since..dunno? it speaks for itself. i dun knw if its a sign or something. everything is just so twisted. eversince the spritual strange happenings in class.i've been feeling and sensing things. i knw this sounds corny but its true. im able to read people too easilty too. like to feel thier emotions and all. my class is just preparing for the worse. the last time one of my classmates got possesed was the toughest yet and my teacher who can see spirits told us to be prepared. in class so far only a handful have errr..abilities? and im one of em.

haha dah macam X-MEN sak..mepek kepe. birbird talk. lol

i miss spending time alone just watching the scenery and letting my mind flow.

anws. you do not know how much i care fer yah. just knw that ur the next person i'll stand to protect. i miss you every second. honest. :(
ok bye

PS : i want to be a handsome hunk. :(

chapter 98 - another life taken

2010-11-25T23:56:00.002+08:00

NENEK :,(

it feels like yesterday that i helped you. who is going to come over and give lauk :(

who is going to tegur me when i pass by :(

who going to make my heart tickle when you talk :(

2 days since you passed :( may you be in gods loving care. sigh.

to add.

Small, simple, safe price.rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.And I am not afraid to die;I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,I want the pain of payment.What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.Would you be my little cut?Would you be my thousand fucks?And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.Love is not like anything,Especially a fucking knife!

chapter 97 - letting it go free to you

2010-11-19T00:40:00.004+08:00

num num num num num! so yes business module SUCK big time people! nuff said. i've been thinking to myself what shall i languish on next here? it then rang into me that i do have certain issues which i feel its high time i address it.

before i start, THIS IS STUPID. WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? YOU SURE YOU WANA READ THIS? CONFIRM KE TAK CONFIRM?

BETUL NI?

to whom it may concern. ( note to self : YOU'RE SUCHA DICK )
moving on. i never knew that i could actually be this lame, let alone stupid . admiring someone is ofcos way way different then being admired. before i continue, after you read this. just to recuperate matters. i wudnt wana know what you think of me, how you think of me bla bla bla bla. YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW.

im not a typical guy.
i dont drink from the same cup of tea and i hope you respect that.

since day 1. you've got my attention. indeed i wasnt very myself then. come to think of it. i am still not myself now.LOL. anws, the first few weeks of school has been a bomb. issues came into. one of it was to FIT IN.
i had trouble fitting in. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT. ever since primary school. i can modestly say that i am different? i take time to get use to things. i have layers . i have lines. i have barriers that prevent me from releasing my true potential. whatever that means to you.

its hard enough that im the one feeling this feeling towards you when you have none of it for me. well honestly, i dont really care because i have live with that. COUNTLESS TIMES. its call a crush and it sets on everyone including you. though it will be awesome if you had that on me lah kan..tapi ape lah nasib..
ok so yah! i do have crush on you. why? beats me. god knows.
in my opinion, perhaps it was ur history and who you are now ? that gem waiting to shine. that being who keeps praying and wanting the best for family first then self. i see those qualities in you. and i rest my believe that some day you'll achieve what you want.

you see, i don't really care anymore what you think of me. be it UN-MANLY, TOO QUIET..and the horrendous list goes on god knows what you talk or bitch about me behind my back. the truth is, i've NEVER did once say any bad qualities about you even tho at times you bring it up? but it hurts me whenever you say disdainful of words that bring me down behind my back. IM NOT TRYING TO START A WAR HERE OKAY? people bitch about others and talk behind others backs. its life ey? buT hey wouldn't it spare me some burden if you could actually acknowledge me? i know your trying. i can see the changes. and i APPRECIATE it so much. im just praying that its sincere. i trust you. okay getah? and need i say how much that smiles always make my day . anywhos.

i have my awesome side. i act differently in school because maybe you are there? its normal. crush mah.
i've never judge you any different, and im hoping you wont judge me because truly what you see of me in school is just the tip of the iceberg.

im wild outside.
when it comes to my family, im pious.
im break peoples hearts, oh fuck yeah i do.
but when it comes to prayers i pray for them too.
im different.
and here i am saying this to you, that somehow you've landed on my eyes. and well, im beginning to erase you off my head because honestly, i know its stupid to ever like you. who am i ey.

kadang kadang dengan care tak sengaje kite melukakan hati seseorang itu namun bergitu, seseorang itu tetap maafkan dan redha atas apa yang diberi. my dreams are vanished to space.

so there. i write my words in blood.
regards

chapter 96 - acceptence

2010-11-12T12:36:00.004+08:00

the only life i have now is school?
so yeah, yesterday a group of us went to watched a musical STARTING HERE STARTING NOW presented by the level 2 musical theatre students. radical evening! you see, i had glitter powder winked on my nose! this level two girl, i forgot her name , played a sexy retail assistant selling make up? so yeah. she came towards the audience and sadly i sat in front -__- satt on my lap! put makeup on my nose! and winked at me! the audience burst laughing. AND NO! I DID NOT HAD A BONER. so anws. to cut the long story short. brilliant show.

met suryani after that at raffles place close to 930pm? gosh i miss her like fuck!! her eyebags were bad. guessed work has been a toil huh? sent her home and i didnt wana let her go. cmon lah!! its been so long! after bidding goodbye went to see a someone to discuss about acting.

assessments are around the corner. FML.
and to liz , thank you :)

regards.

PS: gym today!!!

chapter 95 - Lirit 34 gorgeous nightmare

2010-11-11T00:50:00.001+08:00

this very night as i try to express my yearnings of a beautiful world, i welcome you to join my journey. as i embrace word by word and hopefuly captivate myself to stay alive and entertain. because honestly, im losing all hopes in believing. life has its way of pinning you down.

school has been a great launch pad for me. i honestly have gain alot from it and better still, i've grown . the sad thing is its been cutting down the time i once spent in the gym. to add, im begining to slack at housework. i miss doing chores . gym especially. so bad. sometimes i asked myself, am i good-looking? i know. its rather sceptical and if i would, pardon my ignorance, would like to consider stay humble about it. or too humble. im leading this paragraph to girls. yeeheh, yup. girls. women. females. bitches. whatever they call it in mars. its fuuny how all of us try to our best to impress the opposite gender. wanting that desire to stand out and hoping that that eyecandy of yours will one day take notice of you. that hope in hoping that he or she will one day smile at you or acknowledged you. brings myself to a tinky smile.

i've been down this road many times. each time however, leaves me nothing. not even dust.

YOUR WORLD AROUND ME MIGHT JUST STOP ME FROM LIVING. I HATE BEING USED AND I PRAY THAT HOPEFULLY YOU'LL OPEN YOUR EYES AND GRIEVE OVER THE PAIN YOU COST ME.

chapter 94 - note to self : free falling

2010-11-07T00:40:00.003+08:00

PLEASE HEAR THIS :(

chapter 93 - Lirit 33 used

2010-11-06T21:26:00.002+08:00

I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING USED. DISHONESTY SPLITS THE MIND IF MY ATTENTION IS WONDERING THERE IS SOMEWHERE IT WANTS TO GO, SO OBVIOUSLY IT DOES NOT WANT TO BE WHERE I AM HOLDING IT IN THE SAME NAME OF SOME SELF IMPOSED DUTY.

I HATE YOU OKAY. OH SO DIVINE.

LOVE, IS SOMETHING TOO FUNNY FOR WORDS

chapter 92 - Lirit 32 a broken soul

2010-11-02T10:24:00.002+08:00

yeah maybe i should. perhaps i should. just move on in life.

she. should have been. perhaps should have been. out of my head.

2 years yet still loving.

im beginning to have my third eye open again.

school has been.. spiritual.

spiritual.

chapter 91 - Lirit 31 lirit

2010-10-17T22:39:00.001+08:00

My dearest friend, if you don’t mind, I’d like to join you by your side. Where we can gaze into the stars, and sit together, now and forever. For it is plain as anyone can see, we’re simply meant to be.

chapter 90 - Lirit 30 shackled body

2010-10-12T21:39:00.003+08:00

listen.

We are uninvited guests in this melancholy world and soon you learn that the only thing worth to treasure, are the people that actually care then why are there still tears in your eyes?so I'm trying to teach you something but you turn away so I'm trying to show you the path but you'll walk astray i would cross the seven seas just to get to you i wouldn't sleep a thousand nights to give what belongs to you the token of all I was i traded for my escape to see a new horizon and my burden finally rests now in the depths of it's water grave but the waves of the river will always remember forever isn't long enough in the company of you forever my heart will always beat your name so I'm trying to teach you something but you turn away so I'm trying to show you the path but you'll walk astray i would cross the seven seas just to get to you i wouldn't sleep a thousand nights to give what belongs to you

WHAT BELONGS TO YOU

i sure can hide my feelings well

chapter 89 - desire

2010-10-11T22:26:00.002+08:00

i really want to earn that dream body of mine. it sucks to see people ACHIVING so fast especially if they happen to be younger then you. i really fucking want to train and pump hard. i really want too. it speaks for itself. i must drive myself too lah please. sickens me that i shed a few kgs. damn.

I CAN DO IT. I CAN I CAN.

chapter 88 - cunt and everyone leaves

2010-10-09T15:59:00.001+08:00

Fuck you!

You, took what you wanted and left, like locusts, Everything i gave to you, everything that we've been through, You, bled me dry and then went, like leeches, Go, you got what you came for now leave, like vultures Ripped apert in minutes, what was built in seven years, the ink scarred on your back, may as aswell of disappeared, for as long as i remember you sold everything you owned, but now you sold our friendship, your on your fucking own, Sleep with one eye open (because) Sleep with one eye open...cunt! If i had it my way id slit your throat with the knife that you left in my back, all this shame, all this guilt, all this regret,thats me, im inside of you and this is your world fucking falling apart mate, from the inside out, everything will fall apart at you feet, you've got hell to pay, yeh you've got hell to pay, you better fucking bow, bow down to me, you better beg for mercy, get on your fucking knees, and cry me a fucking river Sleep with one eye open Sleep with one eye open Best friends means forever Best friends means forever ... cunt!

chapter 87 - a greater man

2010-10-08T23:26:00.002+08:00

i miss the gym so much. its been a week already. i feel like a pussy.i realise that my body tone is not as that great of bodybuilders and its stupid of being so obsess with gym but the thing is. i cant. i am in love in keeping fit. my goal, is to have that one tight ass body of my own. its really GAY to be posting this,yes i am aware. but i cant fuckin help it! its a passion and its something i wana aim for. so yes. just a little to what i've been missing.

im sick. my lungs swells so much when i sneeze and cough. its hurting so bad. sigh

on another note. i've been a hot topic to "some" group of friends in school and its pissing me off . you wana talk about me be sure its in front of my face. dont backbite and be a two face mother fucker in school. i have LOST all my respects to this "kids" and i mean it. its nonetheless very very very childish. so please for the goodness of mankind ,fucking stop it? just because you see less of me in ur group doesnt make me an outcast. its LIFE. people MINGLE. i have my REASONS. never once did i BITCH about you guys. seriously man, quit it already. i never intend to make things this way. i always thought all of us are adults but im so freakin WRONG. you BITCH about people, people BITCH about you. its just life. as long as you MAINTAIN a low profile and remind steadfast and humble,im sure things will work the way it is. but, sigh..im just really disappointed. whatever it is, i couldn't be bothered loh.. just dont cross the line k? or i'll break your faces. i promise :)

dont fucking judge me and never ever look down on me.

someone died today.

i donated blood :) two days ago. again. lol.

tita found a stable job.miss her but yeah nonetheless a feeling to be ignored.

a few friends in school deleted me of their page. which btw is FUCKING CHILDISH.

miscommunication seems to be revolving around me now.

life is just great. -_- hooray

chapter 86 - buto bloodline and what i really want.

2010-10-02T19:38:00.003+08:00

2 OCTOBER ****.
its been so long since i had one. yes, i've grown stoned towards having a birthday. my heart is cold towards birthday. i dont cherish LOVE. but perhaps maybe, thats what i really want :( to feel loved again. i want to be loved! im tired of being the one giving love and the one being rejected. why cant i reject people instead. i want to reject people. :( i want to feel again. every fucking year, its the same old thing. open this eyes, let my soul control this dirty body and put up a stern face. what is there to hind huh! are you afraid to show your feelings again? perhaps.

i dont know what to feel anymore.

i told my friends in school that i had plans after business class that im going out with a girl. since when do i have a girl! i fucking lied. all these years i've spent my special day alone. even if my beloved siblings or my beloved mom gave presents i'd put on a mask because i know they're spending money on me. for what fuck! i know you guys need it more. and i've overgrown my birthday presents. the thought of them sacrificing some cash for me.sigh. please dont give presents. i dont want them! i just want the family to be happy ! I JUST WANT MY FAMILY TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY. I WANT THEM TO BE FUCKING HAPPY WITH LIFE. :"(

i blame my relatives for this. oh yes i do.I FUCKING BLAME YOU ALL FOR THIS.
YOU READ ME! YOU DOUBLE CROSSERS! COCKSUKER MOTHER*******. YOU'VE MADE MY MOM SO SAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO TREATS MY MOM LIKE TRASH?! I FUCKING KILL THEM. MAYBE NOT NOW.OH NO...I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU.. YOU JUST WAIT. I SWEAR. YOU LEFT A DEEP SCARE IN THIS BEATING MEAT. I HATE REALLY HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!! DONT TOUCH MY FAMILY!! DONT EVER THINK OF MAKING TRUCE! I DONT WANNA HEAR IT NO MORE! :'(

my mom threw glasses of shelves. she starting shouting. scared the wits out of my sisters. lucky my brother text me while i was in school. and now my mom is not home. dun knw where she went. sigh.
I HATE YOU PEOPLE. YOUR HEAR ME!!!AND FOR THOSE WHO LEFT MY LIFE, BE IT FRIENDS OR LOVE ONE DONT COME NEAR OR SPEAK TO ME ANYMORE. I DONT WANA SEE YOUR FACES NO LONGER. my family is not the same anymore.i feel it so deep. welcome to the darkside they say.HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY NERO. DREAM WELL..

on some point, i believe one day things will better. i know Allah is here. i know he hears me. one day everything will change for the better. for all of us.see, i do have a kind spot. i still want you past friends and love ones to be here with me. you think i want you all to leave? you've been a part of my life. and i treasure you all EVEN IF YOU DOGS DONT TREASURE MINE. life will eventually hit you point blank and i pray may it OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES.

i realise this post might be confusing to read. needless to say, I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE. and tahhara, we were suppose to fucking meet today. :(
happy birthday to me.AND BLESS YOU ALL FOR THE WISHES. I PRAY FOR THE BEST AND THE FRUITFULNESS OF LIFE. I REALLY DO.

chapter 85 - life, what a price to pay for being born.

2010-09-30T22:48:00.003+08:00

im afraid of showing love and im afraid of being rejected. what is love anyway. i have no love for this blood sucking succubus's. what kind of a sick thing is love? why the hell would someone even feel love? you fools do not need love because you're a motherfuckin heart breaker thats what you are. admit it. dont blame god for this shit, he aint at fault. he was here first. he knows. blame you pussys. blame you all man. i mean just take a look at the world now. people are misinterpreting it. jesus guys, fuck all this. love aint goona come. dont hope for it to even come back. thrive on negativity, like me. heartcold beast thats what i am. lose all control and god fuckin stick that negativity up those silky sleeves because when it comes down to just you and the world, its goona be a hell of a lifetime. like death, love doesnt beat. it stays dead. and will forever be.bitch.

(think and ponder and let your heart speak)

Death isn't the price you pay for living. The first and only true gift anyone ever received is Life itself. Life isn't a thing to be paid, nor is it a privilege. You want something, you earn it. It's up to you to make good use of given oppo...rtunities and stay away from dumb stuff that'll fuckup your life. Life's hard? So what? Doesn't that make you appreciate it better? Don't blame the world. It doesn't owe you anything. It was here first. Don't blame God. God doesn't owe you anything. He was here First.

(i believe.)

chapter 84 - Lirit 29 so this is it right here

2010-09-27T01:01:00.003+08:00

‎to whom it may concern,

"When you shut people out of your life, they will eventually quit trying to be part of it."

chapter 83 - solitude

2010-09-15T02:34:00.006+08:00

some pictures that were take during our overseas syawal celebrations :) i know the rabbit is a to die for pet! cute as hell!! it actually hops with elegance. haha the small one .its one thing that i miss about Indonesia, its the spirit and vibrant of the syawal there. i will be uploading the videos on facebook soon :)

i dont know why the hell i did that face gesture. oh thats right! nadirah told me to! ignore the face please. i know its rather compulsive.HAHAHAHA. look at those two children. they belonged to one of my moms friend. cute arnt there? i actually purposely interact with them using singlish and the female one chuckled each time i say lahhh. how funny, :)

this were taken while i was sleeping in the kejang after driving! yeah i actually learnt how to drive there! a manual one sumore! and i rode a bike as well. i know im awesome. okay whatever! anywhos, notice how distinct their smiles are? and how different they look?

pardon the way yasmeen handles her dress. i know right! tsk! so the kurang sopan. hahaha. so yes. here it is. the family we spent our syawal with. :) its really really different in Singapore. so lonely. its like a solitary confinement here. anyways, its been a journey :)

.........................

after personal grooming class today, my lecturer wanted to talk to me about certain things. i find it cool on how he is able to read people. he too, picked up a certain ability i poses and he told me never to let go of it. he made a correct judgement and said that i can read people and am able to tell a thing or two about that persons' past or behaviour. he said that in acting, you got to trust instincts. he told me that i had low self esteem. so true. and that i keep so much personal issues to myself and that its best if i share it?

something bad is happening to tahhara. im very very worried.

chapter 82 - lirit 28 pardon my ignorence.

2010-09-13T02:06:00.006+08:00

im back already. and gosh was it festive there. one thing about syawal that i love is probably that feeling you get whenever the first day hits? then it'll slowly subside? yeah. well anyway, indonesia was great. had a meaningful time there. did managed to get my head cleared too. as a family. im just am very touched by the people there. the kids especially. deep inside, this syawal is empty for me back in singapore. i doubt i ever rang in titas head. my grandma is gone so that beats the purpose of the first day. my relatives are gone. good riddance. lucky we were overseas.so basicaly, its all us?

im just waiting for my raya outing with my school mates. its funny actually. they already planned it before hand. alot of things has been into my head. one of which was the strings that bind me and my other mates. some of which has already broke, others are on the verge of beaking and a handful still strongly attached. what are my virtues in life?

i can daringly say, i dont mind leaving without a circle of buddies. given what im facing now, i had enough of being sad or even concern abt myself. after tita and i kept silent for a long time i find it rather destinize that maybe im lead to live on this kind of a road. to heck with being loving, caring and concern.

i should be heartless. yeah thats right. i should.

its time.

god is great,

chapter 81 - Escolas de samba, Beija Flor

2010-09-08T23:40:00.004+08:00

Escolas de samba, Beija Flor performance was awesome! i had fun and so did my performing faculty mates. we filled the esplanande concert hall with our cheer and dance. man, i really let go of all my strees by dancing off to the beat of the brazalian rythem. towards the end, i got so high that i ran to the stage, climbed up and danced alongside the brazalians. my schoolmates joined along as well and woo did i sweat! its too bad i cant mosh through the rythem.HAHA.
the performance made my day. and i felt so happy after that. as though my stress just evaporated into the the atmosphere.
i love being wild :)

sabrina withdrew from school. she tole me she cant take in the workload given. sigh. i miss her, cannot irritate her in school anymore. nadine is overseas now. shes back home in manila? i miss her too. i miss us three friends lah. nadine is a bully, sabrina is manje. nadine is good to be with , sabrina is comfortable to be with. i feel happy when both are them are with me. good short times. bless you both mates. korang due bikin aku gile!

sabrina , nero, nadine

i made my passport this morning and collected it in the afternoon with tahhara .
im leaving tomorow morning and i wont be able to wish you all a happy eid celebration.
so allow me to say it here?

YOUR MEMORY ALWAYS BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE AND PRAYER COMES FROM THE HEART JUST NATURALLY. MAY YOU ENJOY THE SPECIAL JOYS OF EID AND ALLAHS GREAT BLESSINGS.

chapter 80 - ................. speechless*

2010-09-07T23:57:00.002+08:00

umi :,(

jangan nangis lagi okay. ihsan tak pandai lah nak keluarkan air mate ni semue. i apologize,i know you are disappointed in me. im growing up umi. like you, i keep my feelings inside too. we're both similar people.please dont cry. jangan nangis lagi okay :,( biar dorang buat jahat dengan kite. biar. ihsan redha umi. ihsan redha. i'll protect you and the family. i'll break thier faces. my promise to you. jangan nangis lagi please :,( nanti kite semue pergi tanjong pinang kite happy allrite. tinggalkan semue kesedihan kat singapore. ihsan rela tinggalkan semuenye. jangan nangis okay :,( ihsan tak pandai bernangis. betul.
god create problems for a good reason. percaye kat hikmah. ihsan percaye.

jangan nangis lagi pls :,<

FUCK MY RELATIVES. FUCK YOU!!

......................................

chapter 79 - being in the moment

2010-09-06T07:20:00.002+08:00

every morning i see my mother zikir till she falls asleep. this act that i see she's doing struck me and soon let to a ambiance of pity. i take a look at the condition of our house. the kitchen to be particular and the picture i see is a simple, problematic and disgust frame. i dont know if im thinking too much but how i wish our rezeki is that of those of the rich? perhaps then will the kitchen problem be solve? my mom constantly pray and my respect goes out to that act. i pray too. at times. and i pray good.

i take a look at my siblings. see how they sleep. the way they sleep. the place they're sleeping in and how'd i wish it can be better. we sleep on floors. no beds for us. the walls on the girls room are terrible. the ceiling plasters are tearing up.i know, some people are living in a worse situation then us and yet still keeping a smile. but yeah, how'd i wish poverty wasnt here. the girls room is constantly messy, that i blame my sister for being so lazy. so no sympathy there. everyone deserve a happy life full of faith and wealth and i always pray that one day everyone will live a happy life.

our house. its simple. when we first shift here 9 years ago the condition of the house was superb. we had air conditioning. our living room was beautiful. the kitchen was splendid and the rooms were rad. sometimes neighbours take a peek at our windows just to see our home till we got irritate because they constantly knock on our doors seeking permission to come in and see. macam paparazi gitu. Now, things has change. our house is simpler now. not much furniture anymore, we gave it away to the less fortunate. no more sofas. the living room looks very very simple yet still maintaining that cozy vibe. no more air con. just the back room. the house looks very very simple needless to say. with problems stacking. especially the kitchen. for i dont know what reason, water keeps coming out from the pipes near the toilet. it stinks the whole kitchen. the washing machine often creates problem. at times the kitchen feels so stuffy. it truly is a suckage living first floor. but my mom is always grateful of it. and lookin at her behaving that way makes me behave that way. 4 years now have we been living this way.

i really pray my moms business flourish. its high time she feels easy.
i pray my siblings to do well in studies. i want them to get a stable life.
i pray i do well in school and in life. its time they see what i've got to give.

i may be losing out at some point. but i will never give up. when it comes to my family. im dead serious in making an impact. so if you wanna create trouble and invoke shit on us well lets just say that we dont give a damn. we make peace. and we align ourselves to those who do good. i despise traitors and kids with no backbones. i love my family. and if anyone tries to shake them , i'll break your face.

life ain't simple. but we're here to seek permission for the best. be thankful.

chapter 78 - Macbeth and the tahhara

2010-09-05T01:25:00.006+08:00

yeah. finally i got my hands on this *smiles from end to end*

im buying one more pair of a different design for my brother soon. as soon as i have the time. he deserve a new shoe too himself. to add, im getting myself a new laptop. at first i had MACBOOK PRO in mind because of its functionality and such but it was to expensive. although my heart so wants the macbook umi advise me to get something affordable and good. so yeah, i guess its courts tomorrow before going to darul arqam to help the less fortunate.

got into lecture class pretty late today.

my greatest appreciation to tahhara for your grateful presence. she frantically shouted in the middle of orchard when a bird dropping landed on her arm. HAHAHA. and ironically, we bumped into natasha and her boyfriend and natasha gave that wide-OMG-shockface. hahahaha. well yeah. i guess thats it?

sleep well nero. you need the mental rest. :(

tahhara

chapter 77 - Lirit 27 used

2010-09-03T13:05:00.001+08:00

come to think of it. no one ever took me seriously. you only need me when you're in doubt. when you miss being not alone. when you need a listening ear. because you know that hey! ihsan will be there for me. i know he will. no matter how bad i treat him he will still be here for me.catch me when i fall. cos maybe, he just am crazy about me. he loves me alot. he's willing to stand at gunpoint for me. he's so damn stupid!

yeah i had enough. i never get acknowledged. guess im used to it. you know, whatever lah okay. life is like that. you take what you are given and improvise in em. to any given circumstance. yeah. guess my life is back on square one.im going to miss tita. bad. sigh. i just cant shed any tears because its goona affect my acting. sigh. its hard putting aside this . i'll try. if she can do it and so can i.

am celebrating my syawal back in tanjong pinang. perhaps get a breather too while im there.

chapter 76 - A SUDDEN STRIKE

2010-08-29T23:34:00.002+08:00

she looks like kartika rite! perhaps so..

infact, she so happen to be one of my mates that i dearly miss. i was looking through youtube when the commercial on TV showed JELITA and it rang across my mind about her *points up* its been effing long since i last saw you :) i know you are coping well. your boyfriend is a nice chap isnt he :) it makes me feel happy seeing you happy now but at times my heart yearns for you? yeah. it does. perhaps maybe its been fuckin long lahhh!! HAHAHA whatever it is im hoping we'll meet again one day hoh!

pushing on my days of boredom. I NEED THE GYM. I NEED THE GYM :(

princess ohhhhhh princesssssss, strike out your best okay!!!

YOU ARE NOT FAT LAHHHH! ALAMAK!!! NINJA TURTLE KICK YOU THEN YOU KNOW!

ok i love the caps lock on you. lol

PS: i apologizeee for stealin ur picture. i like this one. though its old. but what the fuck :) its nice. like you :)

GOODNIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS

chapter 75 - i so need my gym time.

2010-08-28T02:18:00.002+08:00

titanic.

school has been such a ride! okay so currently its 2 30 am? and im having school on a saturday as well.

i really wonder how my mates are doing now. life seem so packed with all of my time cramp up. most of the time i have to gamble with time between working out and school. at the moment im listening to eminem.again. sumhow im clinged onto him. his music brings such powerful statements in my life. i dunno.

chapter 74 - window pain

2010-08-14T21:19:00.003+08:00

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe.When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em.Got that warm fuzzy feeling.Yeah them chills used to get em.Now you're getting f**kin' sick of lookin' at em.You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em.Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em.You push pull each other's hair.Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em.So lost in the moments when you're in em.It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both.So they say it's best to go your seperate ways.Guess that they don't know ya.Cause today that was yesterday.Yesterday is over, it's a different day.Sound like broken records playin' over.But you promised her next time you'll show restraint.You don't get another chance .Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again. now you get to watch her leave out the window .Guess that's why they call it window pane.

shit as fuck.

Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball.Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall.Next time there won't be no next time.I apologize even though I know it's lies.I'm tired of the games I just want her back.I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to f**kin' leave again I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire.

chapter 73 - The day PHOTOBOOTH took control

2010-08-11T23:58:00.004+08:00

so today marks the 2nd week of school. and im shagged! my eyes are getting heavy almost too easy and my face.argh. dont make me go there. well more photos are on my facebook. wish i could update more but i seriously need my sleep and i have tons of work to do! happy fasting everyone.

AND BTW, I SO DAMN SEXY IN BALLET TIGHTS!

tita. you rock. remember that!

chapter 72 - stupid body

2010-08-04T22:29:00.001+08:00

so yea. need tee gym badly now. weekends already!!

chapter 71 - Lirit 26 coming to ralise how much of a dirt i am to you

2010-07-29T20:55:00.002+08:00

you never wrote about how i have made your day before. and you never wrote ilysm on me. and he has it.

you made my heart sink sia. serious :( hati sakit giler seh ni..

:'(

hiatus.

ps: school orientation was superb. you weren't there when i wanted to share.

i dunno why sia im feeling like this. shitty feeling. :(

chapter 70 - Lirit 25 perhaps knowing you wasnt the worst part

2010-07-28T16:02:00.005+08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing

If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will

sigh.And thats when the heart speaks.

chapter 69 - Lirit 24 ( erasing you..yet again )

2010-07-27T12:05:00.002+08:00

yea. and thats how i let my mind erase you from my yearning of you. i miss you so bad right about now. everyday.

but yes, its life i guess. you have your own sets of things to do and i have mine.then we will meet again and share loads of things and spent just hours with you before parting ways . and the cycle repeats itself. over and over till eventually we both die not knowing that perhaps, just perhaps we were meant for something more.

okay.perasan jubo.

chapter 68 - Lirit 23

2010-07-25T21:51:00.003+08:00

no. im fine. :)

its raining outside. blissful sensation engulfs me. its the only exception. :)

chapter 67 - YOG what a yolk! i mean joke.

2010-07-24T21:39:00.004+08:00

You gave it all, they took it all, they played it all

now that u r hollow and empty
all u can do with yourself is to pour an anger?

well im just so hyped for school! starts in two weeks and this coming week im goona head down lassale to get my textbooks and such. omg! like im anxious! making friends again. a loop around life. just like primary school. suka can! oh and btw, a GAZZILION thank you to danica in making this layout for me. i appreciate it much :D

i cant wait to see you in that dreads of yours :) love you midget. study hard okay.

moving on.

stayed home today and did chores. i didnt go to the gym as well. two days to be exact. just body exercises at home. you know the burn when you do those bicep curls. god! i tell you! i cant get enough of it. the tear you feel inside those arms strikes flame into ur head! i love when my workout reaches that peak. umi keeps telling me that my body is fine the way it is. mothers -__- hee! she was comparing me with my late dad .

sigh. dad. :(

Ramadan is around the corner :) im so anticipating it can! going terawih with my younger siblings blah blah blah. hopefully umi will be able to join. hmm..though im a little tentative about me. school ends at 7 and at some days i have training.hmm.. *ponders* ANYWHO, think i gotta hang those clothes now. life is always full of anticipation ey.

cepat lah monday...i wana catch 90210.

PS: youth olympic games. i hate your songs. ludicrous lah can!